Sunday, September 24, 2006

i had enuf for this week. this week nearly 'cost' my life. perhaps it was too harsh to sae it in this way. maybe i could sae it nearly cause mi to end up wit depression. i regreted telling him. i regreted trading with him. it was a big mistake. i shud nt hav told him tat. i was feeling veri terrible after i told him. we had the same taste, falling love into the same gal. perhaps hakim when u see this u wud laugh: its no big deal, h*** aso had many suitors. but i jus could nt help it and feel that way. probably no one wud noe how i feel rite now. i dun wan anyone to share the same feeling as i do either. it is not a good emotion. i tink i jus nid a place to sae out all my tots and feelings. perhaps it can onli help jus a while, and i will keep tinking and tinking over and over again, but i tink it is a muz. if nt i wud reali hav depression. lets sort of tots out. okay. i was telling him i dun wanna noe abt his gal earlier on. true enuf. i dun ask any question abt tat gal anymore. he asked and asked. i answered. of cos it was a trading session. we answered the same questions. i was kind of confirm when we answer those questions. i was very scared. wat if it turn out to be the same. sigh. it doesnt matter anymore now. we confirmed. it is the same. sigh so sad life. okay continue. the feeling thru out those days were veri difficult to bear. i dunoe how to describe it either. on thurs. i had a short chat wiv her. cant sae out the content here. but from the conver. i tink i can see tat she know tat i like her. she seems to be trying to make her words in such a way tat she was nt hurting mi when she answered some of the questions i asked her. but she still hurt mi in the end. i tink he was chatting wit her tat night too. cos he seems to noe wat i chat wit her tat night. tat night's conver. i tink it was stupid of mi to go and started it. i was trying to 'kill' myself. i shall nt revealed so much here too. it was on friday. we traded the final answer. at first. i lied to him tat i like another gal. sigh it wasnt a good thing to lie. i told him the truth in the end anyway. i was struggling. it was painful. i was trying to 'giv' her to him. i knew she wud nt like mi. i tink she will like him but i m nt quite sure of it. so i decided to lie. however my heart dun allow mi to do so. the previous post. it was how i feel after i lied and before i told him the truth. after i lied to him. i tried to express my tots out in words. if nt reali. i wud cry. i expressed my feelings to one of my close fren. its good tat she had always been on my side and giv mi advice when i nid them most. den after tat. i told him the truth. frankly speaking. i was feeling better after i told him the truth and my motive to lie in the first place. i dun tink i was wrong to lie. maybe i was selfish?! i dun giv myself a chance. and i dun tink i hav a chance either. probably u wud sae how do u noe u cant succeed when i haven even try. true. i cant 100% tell u i dun hav a chance. but i had a feeling 99% i cant succeed. so wat for i try jus becos of that one percent. i gave him tat one percent. hoping he can succeed? no i dun wan him to succeed either. jus tat i feel tat maybe she wud be happier tat way. i was selfish rite. tat doesnt matter anymore. there is a phrase: never try for the perfection, good enough is happy. i gave myself a chance after i saw this phrase. but i never aim for her. i aim for jus fren. fren i enuf. when she is happy, i will be happy. when the man of her is happy, of cos i wud feel sad, but i will feel happy for her too. so lets jus be fren. jus now i chatted with her. rather fine. nth goes wrong. she didnt avoid mi. neither she gave mi the feeling tat i was being dislike. we were jus like we used to be. frens. i hope this will carry on. and next yr. i can still buy her birthday present.